Send in your gold!!!

I am sure we have all seen our fair share of horrible commercials on cable, especially if you happen to watch Comedy Central or Adult Swim late at night. The typical “As Seen on TV” products and horrible infomercials with the sleazy Esteban hocking his crappy guitars and videos would be the strangest I had seen. Until I started seeing this one:

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GOLDKIT!?!?! So let me get this straight…you can simply go to GoldKit.com and request an envelope. To send your gold. For some money. The ease of this amazing post-modern service is no doubt tailor-made for those who are not thinking so much about receiving the actual compensation for their jewelry or even appraising old family heirlooms, but rather getting some quick cash. I mean wouldn’t YOU rather have CASH than old gold jewelry just gathering dust? I know I would… you can take that shit to the bank.

But then as I thought more about this, something clicked and I realized the ultimate end goal of GoldKit — I started to recall a particular plot point from a movie I sadly must admit to have seen once: Battlefield Earth.

As most probably know, the movie has the reputation of being one of the WORST movies ever to be released and was based on work by the founder of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard. (Even presidential candidate Mitt Romney has seen this movie.) But while I only saw the flick in scattered portions in scattered portions on SciFi Channel a few years back in college, I vaguely remembered a small detail.

As the story went, humans have been enslaved by all-too human looking, albeit dreadlocked, aliens (played infamously by John Travolta and sadly Forrest Whitiker). At this point, I’m not giving too much away mentioning that the big reveal here is that the aliens are not enslaving the humans and taking over earth for any logical reasons such as slave labor, useful resources but rather for gold. And not because gold is some resource they need for survival of their species, but because they want to be rich.

All these pants bulgin', dreadlocked, Scientologist aliens want is your gold! Call Goldkit.com!

Wealthy aliens…who value the same falsely monetized mineral as people.  Think about that a second. The connections from this horrible movie and GoldKit are uncanny. It makes so little sense, that it makes TOO much sense. Goldkit is just the beginning pawn move of a larger motive for world domination. And those poor grandmothers are falling for it.

Or perhaps people are looking for a place to pawn off and unload their stolen goods. Probably the latter.