So in response to an article I stumbled upon (article link here) — which basically says that if you receive a promo cd, and for whatever reason throw it into the trash, you are “illegally distributing” said music — I’ve decided to present a model that would rework the entire music industry into something more digestible in our modern world.
A few suggestions:
1. All music must be approved by a centralized “Audio Czar” appointed every 4 years by the U.N.
2. All content will be distributed over approved channels and “secure” methods: namely audio cassette with the tab punched out so you can no longer record over it.
3. All chord progressions must be standardized to fit into 3 easy to digest categories: County, Rap, Classical
4. All tours will be made “green” which means that tours now consist of people gathering in a large space powered by workout bicycles as they watch a projection of the band playing from a pre-recorded session. All audio output will be from pre-authorized cassette tape recordings. Tours will last One (1) day per year simulcast in no more than 30 different markets.
5. A dress code will be issued for “rock-star” attire which will conform to the rigid standards of penal institutions. Jump suit colors are customizable.
6. A music tax will be added to all gasoline purchases to help offset the costs of pirate music operations, and unauthorized audio cassette playback.
7. All cassette playback must be pre-scheduled and authorized by previously mentioned Audio Czar. All unauthorized playback will constitute piracy and require that cassette tapes be mailed back (at consumer cost) to the appropriate disposal center.
I think that does it! Man I can’t wait for the future of Rock ‘n Roll.
I do wonder what the RIAA’s suggestions are then for what we are supposed to do with the countless promo cds that go out to the media every week. I know we get hundreds and thousands of them each week…most of which are not worth keeping and end up in the free giveaway mail bins and eventually a graveyard out of sight and out of mind.
Here are a few suggestions for what we could do with them instead of throwing them out:
1) Build a fort
2) Cook in the microwave for 2 seconds until they sparkle.
3) Make a futuristic coaster.
4) Grind up and snort.
5) Donate to the music-less indigenous people of wherever as a peace treaty offering.
6) Keep the goat for yourself and offer these as a dowry for your daughter’s upcoming arranged marriage.
7) Save until Passover time — then butter, wrap in decorative napkin, hide in house and make your children search for them during the sedar.
8) Refinish the deck.
9) Compress with a million pounds of pressure until they turn into a diamond.
10) Send back to RIAA asking them to make the songs better (only big labels apply here).