Micheal Katzif, renaissance man in training, Luddite, and general miscreant, is on the top of his game. He has just come out of a long period of underground studies, where he has been honing his skills in culinary clothing design, and is about to take the West by storm. Hello Come In had the opportunity recently to chat with Michael at a posh downtown cigar shoppe, about his life, liberty, failed pursuit of happiness, and the general trends in media and entertainment.
Aryn: So Mike, whats this I have been hearing about a new clothing line?
Mike: The thing with the clothing line is half accurate.
Only half accurate?
I have been developing new ways in which people can wear clothes in order to maximize comfort and style while at the same time prevent people from having the same styles of clothing. So some of that experimentation has been a clothing line. The other part has been a methodical rounding up or herding of individuals who are deemed redundant and mind wiping their brains.
Is this a sort of ever updated fad chaser that someone can simply put on and not have to worry about looking cool, because the “clothing” does that for them?
The new clothing can be adaptive to its environments, but the mind wipes ensure that no one has a predisposition towards any sort of sameness in the universe.
That sounds a little science fiction to me. What other projects have you been working on?
Well a few things coming up the pipe are a bread baking club; sort of a “choose your own adventure” recipe construction where you never know what you are making until the very end.
Is that a “hip” new term for something else, or are you actually talking about a cooking club? Sounds a bit old fashioned.
I like to live my life dancing between the extreme modern and the horribly antiquated. I call it “digilog.” Or “analogital.” You can choose.
Interesting, I have heard that people only remember the first and last parts of things, sounds like you have revolved your life around that theory?
I really only remember the middle. My favourite parts of calzones were the middles.
I see. Can you tell me your top two presidents (or prime ministers or dictators) from any era, and what their contribution to the fashion world meant in relation to your art?
See most people these days would mention Roosevelt (Teddy) or Taft for their iconic mustaches which have grown increasingly ironic and stylish in the hipster scene, but not me.
Don’t forget Ghengis.
I would say that the most stylish world leaders would be along the lines of someone with killer mutton chops. You cannot deny the influence that style of facial hair has had on the world as we know it. I’d suggest we would not be at war if John Adam’s mutton chops were leading this country, plus it gives ladies something to hold onto in the heat of passion.
How has your facial hair (or lack of) shaped your influence on America and the world? Has it made you a better diplomat?
Well I do have a certain disdain for those with full beards, but i would say I try to be a liaison and ambassador to the fully bearded. I want to work with them to make a difference and cannot get swept up into petty partisanship, whether its with a fashion line of clothing or fishing for lobsters in the Cape Cod.
All right Mr. Katzif, my readers sent me their burning questions, and I sifted through the thousands of letters and got the list down to five, ready?
Naturally.
When did you first feel like a man?
Probably the first time I used a urinal, or any sort of standing while peeing.
How do you tend to rebuild from your many failures as a human?
I find a healthy dose of television tells me all the ways I can become a better person.
What is your favourite luxury item to bring along on a camping trip?
The typical answer would be high class escort…
I take it your not a typical person…
… and while that would be nice if one was sans girlfriend, I expect that camping is better with them, so if and when I have lady friends on trip, I’d bring a fine cheese, maybe an Edam or Gouda of some sort.
What would you choose if forced : a) spilled milk b) turtle on its back c) one clean, one dirty sock , and how would you respond to said problem?
If I was confronted with any of these, I’d probably choose the turtle on its back and here’s why: Spilled milk is not the big deal the mainstream corporate media wants you to believe it is. While devastating on a personal level, it really helps our American farmers sell more milk.
The one clean sock, one dirty sock issue is easy. I hate dirty socks, and for that matter dirty clothes. If there is even chance that a sock is dirty, I might consider just buying new socks or drop everything and launder it.
The turtle seems like the easiest fix emotionally. I once saw a dead turtle next to the road. That was more sad.
You have such refined analytical skills. How were those obtained? extensive training? Sudoku? inherited?
Cereal box prize.
Nice.
It was.
And the number one burning question from all of your hundreds of fans out there…
Dont over sell me, I only have dozens of fans.
What school are you going to donate your fortune to, and what college programme will be created? i.e. (The Katzif school of monogramming, or Mike’s Trikes, School of three wheeled vehicles)
Hard to plan for my own demise, I’m not really sure what legacy to leave.
It could be anything.. what would you most like to be remembered for? Contributions to science? Good will towards man? Hygiene?
… but Gonzaga does have a decent bread resource facility in Finland… While hygiene is important, I’d say that I’d like to be remembered for being somewhat of a renaissance man, a lover of things, and a doer of other things.
Well , thanks for taking the time to speak with me today Michael, is there anything you would like to add before we go?
Just a reminder to the children around the world to support your local superhero, whether its Carpetman, Fluorescent Avenger, or the Bubble Bathtubman.
Great!
Katzif has a new book coming out “Pursuits in Technical Accounting : A Numbers Game that could Save You MILLIONS!” which chronicles his knowledge and experience playing the stock and tax market game. Mike will be available for book signing this weekend at Borders Books on the corner of Pine and Walton.