In the month absence since we last waxed philosophic from on high, we took a short hiatus to creatively retool hello.column and hellocomein.com and prep for an EXCITINGLY droll season two. In the meantime we briefly return from endless vacationing to answer YOUR questions. Thats right, you faithful readers and rabid fans can FINALLY get your chance to delve into the seedy underbelly of hello.column. Ask us anything. If all goes well, we will still be standing to do this on a regular basis. READ ON…!
Does getting electrocuted destroy your sex life?
– Bryan Oura, Boston, Massachussetts
Greg: Bryan, far from it! Consider for a moment this simple equation developed by Dr. Frank Hipsop at Harvard in 1954:
q = pi*b*integral(2V dV)
Where q is quality of sex, b is the volume of moaning in dB, and V is the voltage of electricity that enters your bloodstream. So you see, the more voltage, the better the sex. But wait!! Consider also that Electricity follows the path of least resistance. So if you are being electrocuted and you touch your partner, then she/he is being electrocuted as well. And sex often (but not always) involves some form of human contact. Quite simply, we can thus double our equation:
q = 2*pi*b*integral(2V dV)
The quality of sex is doubled from what Hipsop predicted. What does all this mean? Well, I’ll leave that to the imagination…Enjoy!
Greetings…When is too much?
– Jordan Johnson, Wellington, Vermont
Aryn: Hey Jordan thanks for writing. I think you are going about this completely wrong. You shouldn’t be asking questions like that in this modern day and age. We have long past the need for “too much” or “too little” or “conservation” or “waste” or “overusing” or “just enough” or “a little more” or “a little less” and what not. It reminds me of this one time that I was at this restaurant and they came by with a HUGE pepper mill and said ” pepper sir? ” and I replied “yes please” and another guy which I didnt see earlier and was standing on the other side of me dumped a whole bucket of un-crushed pepper spheres onto my creme brule.
It was the most embarassing date that I had ever been on, wait…no the second most embarrasing, the first would have to be the time that I was at this corn factory with the girl that I had just met, and we were having a good time, and then I decided to eat some of the corn that was in the corn factory ( with the girl I had just met ) and then I had chronic nose bleeds for about 16 hrs while this girl (that I had just met at the corn factory) sat in the waiting room at the doctors office ( which fortunatly was close to the corn factory where we had just met (the girl) I ended up losing 75 lbs of extra “blood” weight and have since gone on to be the leader in diet remedies. So to recap.. what the hell are you refereing to in your question again?
Why wont mommy love me?
– Jimmy McPartland, Omaha, Nebraska
Mike: Thanks for writing. You see Jimmy, your Mommy will never love you. You caused her divorce from Daddy. I know people will tell you that Mommy and Daddy’s separation was because of Daddy’s constant wandering eye and inability at true intimacy, but really its because they had to spend to much time driving you to soccer practice. And I heard from Grandma that they were angry at you for wearing your socks too high on your legs like a little nerdboy. In fact, Mommy is no longer capable of love ever again. Way to go there, Jim. See you in therapy in fifteen years!
Can I turn my kid-brother into Bio-Diesel?
– Fred Westcoat, age 12
Greg: Fred. Yes you can!! It’s refreshing to see that the younger generation is so forward thinking and concerned for our nation’s future. Before long, we will all be heating our homes and driving our cars using fuel processed from our kid brothers. Fred, you will one day make your parents proud when you are a PhD energy scientist. Keep up the good work, and keep those creative and innovative ideas coming!
Hello Fellows! I was just wondering, when will the sun go out?
– Frank Peabody, Professor in Astrology, School of Science and Industry, Topeka, Kansas
Aryn: Mr. Peabody, honeslty I would think that you should already know the answer here from your sun 860 graduate level course you teach every fall and spring semesters. But to humour you I will answer away. Here is the skinny. the short answer is yes. The sun will have a scheduled ending soon, when the Zambots of Omicronia return to collect the magic stones from the secret chamber of the pyramids and pick up the “chosen” memeber of the secret society 5TTR (which I am a member), then the sun will turn into a red giant and burn up all the heathenous humans on this earth, while I and my fellow “chosies” lounge poolside on the space cruiser peeno one (the pickup cruiser) on our way to paradise that is Omicronia. See ya sucker, and thanks for the D+ you jerk.
Thanks for taking my question. I was wondering how many times can a man do a pushup? And why can I only do one before I throw up?
– Bud Collins, Columbia, Maryland
Mike: Hey Bud. Typically a normal man doesnt do pushups because this normal man is typically, at least in America, a flabby wad of cookie dough. Those that do pushups can expect to do about 25 pushups a set. Then rinse and repeat for five repetitions. I wouldnt worry about the vomiting after one single pushup. No doubt you are experiencing discomfort due to your long nights of heavy drinking, savage over eating, countless hours of videogaming, and an infinite number of years living with the nagging anticipation of actually kissing a real live woman. Take it slow and keep up the good work.
We now go to the Rapid-Fire question and answer segment:
Why wont mommy let me play with the toaster in the tub?
– Samantha Piper, Lubbock, Texas
Greg: Samantha- Have you ever had soggy, soapy toast?
So um…Where do boners come from and how do they work?
– Franklin Paul, Boise, Idaho
Mike: Arent boners from fragments of insect bone in the blood stream that swim through the penii until they mate, sticking to the inner walls of the veins. As they lay their calcium eggs it makes the organ into solid bone until you eject the cementy bone mixture out?
What makes a perfect pancake?
– Julia Children, Sommerville, Massachusetts
Aryn: Not you obviously.
Why are the oceans so big?
– Phill Dankle, San Francisco, California
Greg: Because God is an amazing god.
Where do babies come from and how do they work?
– Sandra Pope, New York, New York
Mike: Babies hail from outer space and are powered by nanotechnology…sentient alien nanotechnology. So be careful.
So what do you think? Email us your questions and comments: firstname.lastname@example.org
Coming up NEXT SEASON: Season Two to bring more thrills, chills, laughter and tears…stay tuned for more.