HELLO COME IN

by Michael J. Katzif, M.D.

For most adult males, male pattern baldness is a chronic and sometimes deadly medical problem, and for many, facing the inevitable depreciating hairline can cause a variety of unwanted side effects, both physical, mental and domestic: sunrash, dandruff, declining sense of self worth and ambition, and unsightly hair in sink. Over thousands of years, mankind has attempted many a remedy, to mixed results, from the powdered wig, to the toupee, to the spray on hair foam, to the hipster shaved head.

But many of the afflicted do not know what causes this highly scientific social health phenomenon: the Internal Hair Generation Core. That is, until now.

The Internal Hair Generation Core — known amongst medical experts as hairuslapsus generatus — is a previously unknown organ that serves as the human body’s central hair creation system. Located in the torso, somewhere between the lungs and the large intestine, and nestled sweetly against the bladder and liver, this system is the fulcrum of all hair found externally on any human-derived mammal.

Other hairy mammals, such as the common house cat, warthog or rat, as well as some marsupials like the rare, assumed extinct Tasmanian Wolf (see below figure), have similar systems but of course, since these species have hair all over their body, it functions in quite a different way.

The Internal Hair Generation Core essentially creates millions of incredibly long hairs and distributes and stretches these long strands throughout the body in all places where hair is expected to grow in Earth humans.

One interesting discovery is that for every hair that might sprout on one’s head or arm, there is another hair somewhere else on the body that corresponds to the ‘other end.’ That is, if you pull one hair, without accidentally breaking the strand, you are essentially pulling the hair through the entire body, passing through the hair core.

For example:

— Pull a beard hair and it pulls the same strand from the pubic region (medically referred to as ‘bathing suit area’).
— Pull a head hair and it pulls from the ass region
— Pull a leg hair and it pulls a hair from the arm region

So on, and so forth. This is highly medical and technical sounding, so consider the following analogy: Imagine the ‘spaghetti scene’ from the Disney classic, Lady and the Tramp where they both eat from opposite ends of the same noodle. Just like that.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_h0n0MTuzA[/youtube]

Note: We decided to show this clip overdubbed in Dutch to appeal to all the various Germans and Netherlanders in the scientific community.

Please consult the following diagram for a visual representation of the Internal Hair Generation Core.

As you can see, this system spreads hair strands not only from the core, but also each individual larger strand sprouts smaller, more refined hairs that we see externally from the pores of the epidermis layer of our skin.

Now that we know this, we can fully explain the aging behaviour of balding. Simply put, balding is not the act of losing hair on one’s head, but rather, head hair receding to other parts of the body and sprouting elsewhere as nature would determine the most needed location. This is why it is called a ‘receding hairline.’

In some males, this process begins as late as middle age, for some in mid-to-late twenties. Some scientists believe this is determined as a healthy mixture of biology, heredity and environment. For the afflicted who are experiencing receding, the hair often shows up in a few locales: back, buttocks (medically referred to as the ass), or toe knuckles.

Consider the following case study. This biological victim experienced early head hair receding behaviour (see figure one). But upon deciding to grow a beard, it was determined that the subject’s head hair was not, as previously believed by unwieldy and outmodeled science theories, falling out, but rather being redirected to the face (see figure two). It is thought that the cold winter climate of the subject’s living environment (thought to be in the urban Chicago area, thanks to carbon dating and geo targeting tests), was the catalyst: Simply put, in order for this sad weakling to survive the cold, the specimen required facial protection and warmth.

Thanks to our modern scientific testing team, who tediously and meticulously experimented on unassuming specimens in their natural states — sports bars and hunting grounds — we now know that male pattern baldness is not a shameful act of whimsy brought on by the fickle nature of some god-like entity — something our previous Presidential administration had declared publicly. Instead it is something that can be embraced, controlled and redirected manually with highly advanced thin spandex-like suits to plug hair sprouting hotspots in unwanted areas (i.e. toe knuckles). Three cheers for Sciences!

Next time on Holy Shit! It’s Science, we tackle the misunderstood ramifications of the increasingly popular, and economically responsible, time travel staycation.