I am sure we have all seen our fair share of horrible commercials on cable, especially if you happen to watch Comedy Central or Adult Swim late at night. The typical “As Seen on TV” products and horrible infomercials with the sleazy Esteban hocking his crappy guitars and videos would be the strangest I had seen. Until I started seeing this one:
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GOLDKIT!?!?! So let me get this straight…you can simply go to GoldKit.com and request an envelope. To send your gold. For some money. The ease of this amazing post-modern service is no doubt tailor-made for those who are not thinking so much about receiving the actual compensation for their jewelry or even appraising old family heirlooms, but rather getting some quick cash. I mean wouldn’t YOU rather have CASH than old gold jewelry just gathering dust? I know I would… you can take that shit to the bank.
But then as I thought more about this, something clicked and I realized the ultimate end goal of GoldKit — I started to recall a particular plot point from a movie I sadly must admit to have seen once: Battlefield Earth.
As most probably know, the movie has the reputation of being one of the WORST movies ever to be released and was based on work by the founder of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard. (Even presidential candidate Mitt Romney has seen this movie.) But while I only saw the flick in scattered portions in scattered portions on SciFi Channel a few years back in college, I vaguely remembered a small detail.
As the story went, humans have been enslaved by all-too human looking, albeit dreadlocked, aliens (played infamously by John Travolta and sadly Forrest Whitiker). At this point, I’m not giving too much away mentioning that the big reveal here is that the aliens are not enslaving the humans and taking over earth for any logical reasons such as slave labor, useful resources but rather for gold. And not because gold is some resource they need for survival of their species, but because they want to be rich.
Wealthy aliens…who value the same falsely monetized mineral as people. Think about that a second. The connections from this horrible movie and GoldKit are uncanny. It makes so little sense, that it makes TOO much sense. Goldkit is just the beginning pawn move of a larger motive for world domination. And those poor grandmothers are falling for it.
Or perhaps people are looking for a place to pawn off and unload their stolen goods. Probably the latter.
this is a funny post. How come it got bumped below the EP?
I wanted to leave our EP up top for a few days.
You are so kind. I hope the scientology police don’t come after us for comparing their religion to a gold swap commercial.. Man our website is SO controversial.
Hard hitting truths are only controversial when the information is actually read by people.
I read things.
You read things? And I’m not talking about the instructions and nutritional facts found on your box of Trader Joe’s Organic Sun Dried Tomato Cous Cous Handi Snacks.
oh that doesnt count? .. well I have my assistent read things and give me an abriged version of them .. which he then reads aloud to me. I don’t pay attention most of the time to what he says.. in fact he gave me a summation of your above comments, and is typing what I am dictating to him right now..
Since I dont use computers it is in fact not me typing this but my assistant converting my handwritten letters onto a typewriter and then my assistant’s intern re-typing those paper copies into internet form here on this blog. Both of them will receive one cookie for their efforts but no juice if they dont fix my punctuation.
oh yeah? Interesting.. I used to have my assistent read the notes aloud from both of you guys’ tracks and then I would use that transcription to re-record the songs onto my casio keyboard. That would then be transcribed by a team of Berkeley music students and etched in gold records that were sent into the cosmos.. 30 yrs later those records returned and I converted them to mp3’s.. needless to say I should have my secretary listen to those and tell me what they think ( I have two secretaries) .. but for the record I think all assistents need interns.. in fact all interns need interns (unpaid ones) it would really help the bottom line go even lower.
no no.. make those interns PAY.. now THAT would help my bottom line.
Are we talking Berkeley or Berklee? Either way would work I suppose.
In the future, once the audio technologies stabilize, I will reconvert all my secretary’s spoken dictation recordings, etched by small primates with a chisel onto a hard slab of stone onto old Victrola cylinders and then onto tiny mini cassettes. Which will then be converted to a Sony Walkman circa 1984 which I will strap to my belt with puffy headphones and rock out to the prehistoric recorded archival sounds of my own voice ordering a sandwich last week.
fancy, yeah sorry about the college discrepancy.. that intern’s intern assistent has been sacked.. For my recent EP contributions I have just been converting old newspaper clippings into bird song, which I then record onto my HP laptop – > Gateway Desktop -> Apple II E -> Minidisk player -> Cassette Player – > Minidisk player -> Roland VS 1620 -> Cell phone -> Minidisk Player – > Mac Book Pro .. So I apologize now for how WARM I can make digital recordings.. If your ears start overheating from the warmth of my tracks, Put some defective ICY HOT on them and hop that the HOT is the defective part.